I didn't think I was ever going to write another long entry in this blog.
I've been feeling happy, less stressed - no pent up emotions to shamelessly put on the internet for all the world to see. I should have figured it wouldn't last for long.
For the record, I hate the live journal nature of this blog. I whole heartedly think it's lame but writing actually really helps me relieve my anxiety. Knowing that a few people do read this when i udpate it keeps me going - only because I can relay my feelings better in writing than verbally and also because a few out there can relate.
Work (both deathwish and waitressing) have kept me incredibly busy these last few weeks. I would like to sleep for two days straight but the anxiety of busy days and nights are not making for a restful night. Stressful dreams have plagued me for the past few nights and I think writing a bit might help relieve some of that- so here I go.
I know that as humans we have a lot of needs. Attention from the opposite sex is in the forefront of those. In the past few weeks I have learned that dear friends of mine in serious relationships are frequently not faithful to their significant others. If you think this entry is solely about you, you are wrong - as plenty of my friends have gone through this - as cheaters and victims of infidelity. Over the past week I have had a pit of disgust in my stomach. I am so repulsed by the way people are treating their so-called loved ones. Perhaps I am lonely and have too much time to think about other peoples relationships and lives, that it has led me to this - but I was surprised and shocked at some of the information I have been told. I will make it entirely clear that I, myself, am guilty of aiding to someone cheating on someone else. I pretty much feel like shit about it - but it always felt like the right thing to do. And by right, I mean what i wanted to do. Impuslive, selfish... do I regret it? No.
As I've mentioned before in this blog, in another long winded entry about infidelity, I just am not cut from that cloth. If I am in a relationship with someone, they are the be all end all. If i want to get with someone else, the relationship is over - that is my sign they aren't the one for me. I've thought this was the obvious way of operating for most humans, but I'm starting to feel like I am in the minority. I do not want to gloat and boast that I am some of amazing human being, because I'm not - but I sure as shit know I am not an asshole. Being kind, patient and committed to my friends is the most important thing to me. I don't think I could ever intentionally do something that would blatantly hurt another person. I'm not sure where the golden rule got lost. I really always thought you should treat others how you'd like to be treated. I can safely say, I've never wanted to be lied to - - so I figure, don't lie to anyone else.
I could go on forever on this subject, but to the people who might stumble upon or read this blog - please think about the people in your lives that love you and trust you and are committed to you and your happiness. Put yourself in their shoes. If you love them, why would you want to do something that would upset them? If you feel nothing when you envision them broken and in tears, then please let them go. Stop being selfish. To my knowledge, I've never been cheated on - although about 80% of me thinks I have. Paranoid maybe, but if I've learned anything in the past few years, it's that even the people that you think love you the most, will always put their selfish desires ahead of you and your well being. I don't want to believe that or harbor resentment and carry baggage with me into future relationships - I think i have that in check. I just beg the people I know to be less careless with other people's emotions.
I'm also sorry to those people I've hurt through my own actions. I honestly hope it will never happen again.
I guess this is goodnight. Please wish me sweet dreams, I need all the help I can get.